Another week of American Idol! Another weird intro backstage with the judges pretending to make out. Um?

Let’s take a moment to remember the lovely Paige, who went down in flames last week. Here’s a video of Paige on the Late Show, singing with the band:

WTF Paige? You’re okay with Paul Schafer, but on the biggest night of your life you fall apart. How did you do on your SATs?

This week, R&B with mentor Usher. Hmmm… I wonder what Wendy Williams would have to say about him? Wink wink!!

Sioban sings “Through the Fire.” Usher mentors her on personal style and choosing better outfits. Seriously. It’s downtempo and ballad-y for her. She’s pitchy, and then goes into the Sioban-screech. This is all over the place. The judges say as much, and then Simon actually says “it was all over the place.” I could judge this show!

Ugh, this is one of those time-filler episodes where they talk a LOT. Ryan questions the judges and they just talk and talk and talk. And talk.

Casey is up next, with “Hold On I’m Coming.” Usher calls him a rock star. Oooo, this is good. He sounds fantastic and in the zone and totally spot on. The judges adore, and Simon says it’s his best performance yet.

Michael is singing “Ready for Love,” by India.Arie. He’s behind the judges on that little walkaround platformy thing, and pretty much knocks it out of the park. Like, just a perfect, beautiful interpretation of the song. (side note, I had the distinct mental image of gayboys in their rooms crying and singing that song as he performed). Again, the judges adore.

Didi sings “What Becomes of the Broken Hearted.” I dunno, but she might find out on Wednesday after this performance. SNAP! This is very bizarre, and a poor song choice, and she starts yelling “tell me” repeatedly in the middle of it like super dramatically. I have no comments.

OMG, Simon just said that her performance was like someone murdering a song on one of “those dancing shows.” AKA, the woman with that necklace on her head who’s like the black Zelda of the band on Dancing With the Stars. He just called out DWTS! Oh Simon!

Tim is in the Coke corner doing his weird Tim Urban lame thing. Usher asks him to sing “Sweet Love” like he’s in love with him. Seeing a christian teen model sing Anita Baker to Usher is certainly not something I’d ever thought I’d get to write about. Arg, Tim is like death. He’s creeping around the stage, mugging for the camera. Randy: “at least you sang in tune.” Ellen: “you look like you were trying to sneak into a bedroom.” Ha!

Andrew sings “Forever” by Chris Brown. Oooo, dude. You know we don’t listen to Chris Brown anymore, after that whole beating your pop star girlfriend up thing, right? Nope, missed the memo. He does okay, not the suckyness I was anticipating based on his last performances. The judges agree, and then Simon calls him boring. Ha! Then Andrew’s mom comes over to confront Simon, mainly because they have time to fill. Aye, dios mio! Seriously, every story arc with Andrew is like a telenovela.

Katie sings “Chain of Fools.” Usher tells her to connect more with the song. It’s good, but a little weird, very good vocal and just not a big spark. Simon says it reminds him of Star Search, and they play the cue-out music. (what’s up with Simon calling out other reality shows this week!?) The judges then continue to argue about what genre would work for her, and it goes on so long, the producers actually replay the cue out music. Ha!

Lee is in the Coke corner. He has “walking pneumonia.” He is still boring in the interview. Singing “Treat Her Like a Lady.” Usher: “own it.” And he does. This is by far the best he’s done in this contest up to this point. And um, kind of incredible. Simon says he should go back home and rematch the show because “this might be the night your life has changed forever.” Awww.

Crystal is singing “Midnight Train to Georgia.” She wants to play the piano, but hasn’t for years. Drama! Of course, she does a great job. Soulful and amazing. Is it time to just call off the contest in favor of Crystal? She’s all cleaned up this week too. How long till you think they cut those dreads out? The judges adore, but Simon has a caveat: don’t ever change who you are as an artist. A.K.A. “Don’t Clean up too much Crystal, because I like singers with dreads.”

Wow, they’re actually showing the judges running in from outside the studio where Ryan notes “they were taking a quick break.” Duh Ryan, we all know they run out there to smoke and avoid the fans.

Aaron sings “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Usher: “make it personal.” Christina Christian sang this on Season One. Does anyone else remember that? And I think Kris Allen did too. This is a bit of a snore. The judges give him pleasant comments. Nothing spectacular. Simon notes that he’s heard this song done much better on this show. He’s so middle of the road. He’ll probably win.

So to recap: I forgot to post this for three days. Usher was the big winner of the night with a ton of self-promotion. Lee did amazing, and might be back in it. Michael and Casey had great nights, and the girls (other than Crystal) continued their weird slow decline. They filled way too much time with banter. Simon bashed Star Search and DWTS. I need a new show to recap, because Idol this year has been achingly uneventful.