The results from Day 3 of the 2010 WNY PolitiFAIL Tournament are in. Before we get to them, a message from our sponsors, the good people at WNYMedia.net.
It’s a goofy fucking poll, people. It’s meant to be a fun, entertaining way to laugh at our current state of affairs and something to print out and read during your morning constitution. It’s not a real poll, it’s not political life or death, it’s not worthy of automating votes or stuffing the ballot box. We literally received thousands of votes in today’s contests. They came in batches of 200 or more within seconds of one another from singular IP addresses. We disqualified the stuffed votes and went with our best determination of which votes were legitimately cast. Here’s a photo from the WNYM Board of Elections at roughly 4PM today:
So, Tim Howard fans and friends of Steve Casey, we’re on to you. Go have a cup of tea and fucking relax.
On to the recaps:
Ray Walter vs. Barbara Miller-Williams
Ray “The Long Sigh” Walter took on Barbara “Friend of Pedro” Miller-Williams in a battle to determine who is less interested in governing. Miller-Williams and her three public pensions made quick work of Ol’ Rolleyes Ray 276-24. It’s not that people dislike Ray, they just don’t know who the fuck he is.
It’s implausible that this kid who grew up on the hardscrabble streets of East Amherst emerged to be a less recognizable legislator than his predecessor Mike “Warm Corpse” Ranzenhofer. Miller-Williams and her pockets of public pension money move on to face Chris Collins in the first round. Collins may be the only person in this contest with less understanding of parliamentary procedures than Ms. Miller-Williams, so she has that going for her, which is nice. I fully expect Lynn Marinelli to head over to this matchup and heckle from the peanut gallery.
Brian Higgins vs. Steve Casey
This race was tighter than we thought it would be. Primarily because Brian Higgins wrapped up nearly 1000 votes in a matter of minutes, all from an IP address at City Hall. I’m not saying Steve was responsible, I’m saying that, well, I guess I am saying Steve was responsible. Somehow. This is exactly the type of picayune bullshit he would bother himself with. Casey is the leader of the shadow government in City Hall, the Karl Rove to Byron Brown’s Bush. Or as Colin so aptly put it yesterday, the Willie Tyler to Byron Brown’s Lester.
Higgins is a political ally of the Mayor as it currently serves his ends. Higgins is a consummate politician and has taken unpopular stances with the local liberati while simultaneously pissing off every single Republican he can find. Higgins must be doing something right, because political insider Steve Casey beat him 379-286 in their matchup. Casey moves on to face Grassroots acolyte Bonnie Russell in the second round. A Final Four matchup with his boss looms ahead.
Demone Smith v. Mickey Kearns
This wasn’t even close. The bad taste from his horrendously managed Mayoral campaign last year is still fresh on the tongues of WNY. Kearns romps over the fumfering Smith 327-53. This sets up a rematch of Buffalo Mayorpaloozer 2009 in the second round. I don’t like Mickey’s chances this time either. He’s rumored to be spending 90% of his time firming up votes in his neighborhood, again.
Tim Howard vs. Mark Poloncarz
When I first tallied the votes, it was 897-394 with Comptroller Poloncarz treating Sheriff Howard like a prisoner on an elevator ride at the County Holding Center. Upon further inspection, we had over 650 votes for Mark Poloncarz come from two IP addresses in the erie.gov domain. I think I smell an audit coming on.
When we disqualified the obvious ballot stuffing votes for Poloncarz, Sheriff Howard won this matchup easily, 394-226. Evidently, the Kadet family and the execs over at the Talking Phone Book have an axe to grind with Poloncarz and his nerd army. However, even with all the ballot shenanigans, Sheriff Howard’s epic level of failure as the head of our county law enforcement unit was too much to overcome for Poloncarz. Seriously, Howard is the Joseph Hazelwood of Erie County government.
We would investigate the election shenanigans fully, but we’re told Erie County Attorney Cheryl Green wants county attorneys present during any questioning.