Excelsior!
Andrew Cuomo is dating Sandra Lee?!
In the span of just a few minutes on Saturday in the festival “green room” — really a two-compartment tent (with an open bar!) among dozens of other festival tents on a vast swath of pale sand — I bumped into Rachael Ray, an even more preternaturally upbeat whirligig in person than she is on TV; Anne Burrell, who joked (I think?) that any of her best insider tales of festival-talent shenanigans were unrepeatable, on account of how much alcohol swirls around the event and how generally naughty the sautéing set can be; Bobby Flay, dressed like a mash-up of the Rat Pack and “Miami Vice,” in white shoes, tan linen pants, a turquoise shirt and an off-white Fedora; and Sandra Lee, dressed entirely in off-white, with a large, glittering ring around her blond hair that was too fancy to be labeled a headband but too plain to qualify as a tiara. A halo? Yes, let’s call it that.
I muttered something to her about Andrew Cuomo’s path to the Democratic nomination for New York Governor having just become easier — Ms. Lee and he have been a serious couple for quite a while— and she quieted me and moved me past politics by shaking her head and planting a big kiss on my left cheek, then a bigger one on my right. We had yet to be introduced. She’s an effusive sort, and has perhaps spent time in Europe.
I can’t believe I didn’t know about this. Who is Sandra Lee? According to Bourdain, she’s:
Pure evil. This frightening Hell Spawn of Kathie Lee and Betty Crocker seems on a mission to kill her fans, one meal at a time. She Must Be Stopped. Her death-dealing can-opening ways will cut a swath of destruction through the world if not contained. I would likely be arrested if I suggested on television that any children watching should promptly go to a wooded area with a gun and harm themselves. What’s the difference between that and Sandra suggesting we fill our mouths with Ritz Crackers, jam a can of Cheez Wiz in after and press hard? None that I can see. This is simply irresponsible programming. Its only possible use might be as a psychological warfare strategy against the resurgent Taliban–or dangerous insurgent groups. A large-racked blonde repeatedly urging Afghans and angry Iraqis to stuff themseles with fatty, processed American foods might be just the weapon we need to win the war on terror.
Think that’s overstating the case? Maybe, but click here for video of her legendary Kwanzaa Cake segment:
It’s generally accepted that humans can perceive five basic tastes: sweet, salty, sour, bitter, and umami (a kind of savory or meaty flavor). The Food Network’s Sandra Lee, however, can’t taste any of these flavors because she’s had her tongue botoxed. How else can you explain something like her Kwanzaa Cake—a pastry that consists of a supermarket angel food bundt cake (for that stale, grocery-store-air flavor), generic icing in a can, cinnamon, an entire can of apple pie filling dumped unceremoniously in the center, and garnished with pumpkin seeds and corn nuts?
As Heather #1 said before she crashed through that glass table, “corn nuts?”
The prospect of having Sandra Lee as the first lady of NYS is mind boggling, but at least she’ll class up the governor’s mansion with a tablescape or two.
